And so I finished my last final exam of my bachelor's degree a week ago! *banzai!* Honestly, as much as I want to say I'm confident that I will graduate next month, unfortunately I feel the opposite. In fact, I feel ten times horrible ever since I got out of the examination room. I know it was entirely my fault for cramming a 12 week worth lecture notes within 2 nights. I even had one week spare after submitting the big assignment I mentioned in my previous post. /sigh/ Why is life so hard? I need to pull myself together and be motivated in life!
On the day of the exam, I was supposed to have lunch with a friend but because I was so depressed about my performance during the exam, I had to cancel it and went home instead. I literally slept from Monday afternoon until Tuesday night, refused to go out of my room because I could not face my parents. Rather than telling them that I will graduate, I told them it might be pushed back to December. Even typing that sentence up makes me want to cry again.
I think I put too much pressure on myself because I wanted to graduate so bad, I had a mental block during the exam and messed everything up. I had troubles interpreting what was required and had to re-read every single question again and again until I understand it. I wanted to cry after the exam but I couldn't do so in public. Until my sister picked me up from the station, that's when I was able to cry my heart out. It was painful and scary. Although I have a chance to re-take the exam, I don't want to do that. I want to graduate instead and proudly show my parents I made it. But right now, it seems very impossible. I need 17 marks out of 55 marks, and the way I answered the questions, I doubt I will get it (even though I answered all questions). My friends and family even consoled me and told me I will make it, but I'm not so sure anymore.
Right now, I'm planning to take a rest for 2 weeks or until the end of the month and start job hunting, may it be part time or full-time, as long as I get an experience within the field I desire. Life is not easy and I know I will struggle within the next couple years. I know I have to and I will and I know I am going to start from the bottom and work my way up. I'm currently working on my driver's license too since it is needed for the kind of work I am looking for.
For the time being, I'm trying not to think too much of the exam and patiently wait for the results. I will have to clean my room though since it is winter now and I need to breathe fresh air and change my surroundings. I'm slowly recovering from that exam by watching anime. I couldn't watch any episodes last week as I was on my lowest and only started the other day, yet still not feeling it. I watched Zootopia though, and it kinda lifted my spirits up. It was a great and brilliant movie regardless. I'd definitely watch it again! I'm also kind of re-studying Japanese again and learning more kanji characters and sentence structure to distract myself. I also have different events (mainly birthday parties) to attend to on all weekends this month which helps me forget about the results a little. However, I can't go crazy or wild because I feel guilty and I don't deserve to celebrate.
That is all for now. I shall update in couple weeks time when results come out. Until then, I'm hoping for the best.
On the day of the exam, I was supposed to have lunch with a friend but because I was so depressed about my performance during the exam, I had to cancel it and went home instead. I literally slept from Monday afternoon until Tuesday night, refused to go out of my room because I could not face my parents. Rather than telling them that I will graduate, I told them it might be pushed back to December. Even typing that sentence up makes me want to cry again.
I think I put too much pressure on myself because I wanted to graduate so bad, I had a mental block during the exam and messed everything up. I had troubles interpreting what was required and had to re-read every single question again and again until I understand it. I wanted to cry after the exam but I couldn't do so in public. Until my sister picked me up from the station, that's when I was able to cry my heart out. It was painful and scary. Although I have a chance to re-take the exam, I don't want to do that. I want to graduate instead and proudly show my parents I made it. But right now, it seems very impossible. I need 17 marks out of 55 marks, and the way I answered the questions, I doubt I will get it (even though I answered all questions). My friends and family even consoled me and told me I will make it, but I'm not so sure anymore.
Right now, I'm planning to take a rest for 2 weeks or until the end of the month and start job hunting, may it be part time or full-time, as long as I get an experience within the field I desire. Life is not easy and I know I will struggle within the next couple years. I know I have to and I will and I know I am going to start from the bottom and work my way up. I'm currently working on my driver's license too since it is needed for the kind of work I am looking for.
For the time being, I'm trying not to think too much of the exam and patiently wait for the results. I will have to clean my room though since it is winter now and I need to breathe fresh air and change my surroundings. I'm slowly recovering from that exam by watching anime. I couldn't watch any episodes last week as I was on my lowest and only started the other day, yet still not feeling it. I watched Zootopia though, and it kinda lifted my spirits up. It was a great and brilliant movie regardless. I'd definitely watch it again! I'm also kind of re-studying Japanese again and learning more kanji characters and sentence structure to distract myself. I also have different events (mainly birthday parties) to attend to on all weekends this month which helps me forget about the results a little. However, I can't go crazy or wild because I feel guilty and I don't deserve to celebrate.
That is all for now. I shall update in couple weeks time when results come out. Until then, I'm hoping for the best.
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